How is it that I became a writer?
First off, in primary school, there were yearly anthology prizes, and a creative writing club.
In secondary school, there was another creative writing club, but much less successful. There were creative assignments too, but it was a much more academic environment. Creativity was encouraged, but through the school's massive art department. Probably why I started writing only poetry from age 14 on - poems could be kept to myself and didn't seem to require an audience the way a story does.
I have also been to some creative writing courses before uni, at Arvon centres. The first one was at Moniack Mhor, outside Inverness. It was a writing poetry about Nature course, and everything was wonderful and easy and inspirational and I wrote loads, some of which I still like. It was such a great environment, with a supportive group, that I felt like I'd finally got it, and that I could say good-bye to Imposter Syndrome from there. (these hopes sadly never materialised, but it was from this point on that I felt I might consider myself a writer).
'no writer emerges from childhood into a pristine environment, free from other people's biases about writers'.
I haven't had too many problems with this, it's only really shown up in two ways: everyone suggesting I should think about journalism, and and everyone secretly thinking that a creative writing degree, and writing as a profession, is instable, unecessarily mystical, and deeply suspect. As I am also considered these things by enough people the second doesn't bother me.
Part of my interest in Stephen King relates to this, in observing his readership and how he's considered the current 'down-to-earth' writer of the people. Everyone should take a look at his official forums, even though they're not very active, and read some of the comments that get left there.
Is the writer, as an artist special? if so, how?
My automatic reaction is 'no'. There are plenty of writers who I considered special in themselves, but the process itself isn't. The output is like everything else - 90% and 10% good. It's because nearly everyone is literate - and we don't have the filter and rating systems of galleries like the art world does - that everything about writing seems mundane and leads people to be skeptical about what writers do. However, I think that's still more sensible than the right brain's self-mystification.
Sadly, imposter syndrome seems to be for life as far as I can tell.
ReplyDeleteI think over time people develop coping mechanisms that enable them to recognise when they're experiencing a bout of it, and thus disregard it. However if you're prone to feeling that way, I suspect you'll still get those initial bursts of 'I can't do this, I'm not the right person for this' before you recognise the symptoms and ignore your own brain.
As Kristin Hersh once said 'Your brain is the first organ to lie to you.'
I really like that quote, thank you for sharing it! I tend to get around the imposter syndrome by doing first drafts when I'm really tired, so I'm too exhausted to write and wind myself up at the same time.
DeleteI think everybody finds their own way to cope with their symptoms. I hope now you've made your choices that you're getting more support from the people around you.
DeleteSpeaking as somebody on a joint journalism/creative writing course, let me say that you've made the right choice to concentrate on the creative writing side. The two disciplines are entirely different, and it's just as difficult to earn a living from journalism as it is from writing.
For what little my opinion is worth, I would say that you're doing the right thing. I had the opportunity to do this course (elsewhere) when I was in my early twenties and turned it down because I was earning good money and it meant a step down in lifestyle.
The urge to write did not disappear and as a result I'm here doing the course now. Ignore those who tell you you're wrong. It's true that it's difficult to make money at writing, but if you're serious about it, it's worth a bit of sacrifice and fighting for.
Imposter Syndrome. That's a great phrase and I agree with Mark in that its difficult to shake off, and I think this is particularly relevant in moments of spontaneous inspiration. You make many thought-provoking points here, particularly your reference to poetry not necessarily needing an audience in the way a story does. I don't think a story necessarily requires an audience, at least no less or more than poetry does; it depends on the person writing it :)
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